A Requiem of Love

I’d first and foremost like to apologize for any concern I’ve caused. Because it seems likely the horrible words will persist throughout my career due to my duty outside of streaming as a woman in the military, I will speak here now from my heart. Perhaps it’ll fall on deaf ears, though I wouldn’t be myself if I didn’t at least try. What matters most to me regardless is that it reaches those who have been by my side in these trying times.

Everyone begins somewhere. I'm not special. I'm not exquisite, nor can I see the potential in me that others can. The "special" thing in my eyes is what I've created with you all here. My horse soldiers. My beloved Umarmy.

We all have a story to tell. If you care to hear it, here’s everything I can openly share with you for the time being. About my past, my present, and the future I wish for above all else.

It was around August of 2021 when I decided I'd become a VTuber. Like most making their start, I didn't know what was doing. I thought it sounded fun and might be a good creative outlet in place of writing, my former hobby. So on this rather costly whim of mine, I decided to commission a model from an artist/rigger, @/kasuti_illust, because I happened to see the post of his first completed model in the VTuber channel of a small Discord server of friends. My friends at the time encouraged me, and one has even stuck with me to this day. My editor/audio manager (Be sure to cherish the friends who are loyal and good to you, everyone! Really).

I received my model in October 2021 and started off as most do with a simple intro video. I remember being so painfully nervous to record something and it came out unbelievably awkward. I didn't have a proper mic then, either. To call it scuffed would quite frankly be a severe understatement. But that's fine, isn't it? I didn't give up. It felt like there was no sense in getting depressed about it. In a sense, it felt like it simply couldn’t be helped. Maybe a part of me didn’t realize how awful it was at the time and was a little proud of my efforts too.

I made a couple videos and stopped when I had to change duty stations around the end of the year. The months went by and, before I knew it, it was July. My editor reminded me of the whole VTubing thing and I checked Twitter for the first time in many months. There were a couple DMs from people I didn't recognize. Among those was from someone who became a friend, and told me they'd heard about me from someone named Pipkin Pippa.

I was confused. I only had around 300 subscribers at the time, and when I searched her up I realized she was a much bigger creator comparatively. Yet I had the opportunity to speak to her briefly and she told me that she enjoyed my content. It was hard to believe that someone like her would even bother paying me any mind let alone complimenting my work.

It’s no exaggeration to say that it changed my life. I decided I would start taking things seriously and began working in earnest to become a good VTuber. Though it probably meant little to her to do, her words inspired me. I was moved. Perhaps it was little effort for her to do, but I owe her a great deal. It's because of her that I'm able to be with you all now. I'm really glad that she's found much greater success since then.

Do you have anyone like that? An inspiration? A hero? Someone who believed in you when nobody else did? I hope that I'm able to move someone's heart like that, some day. It’s a nice thought.

Occasionally I wonder if some people exist to be loved, by virtue of inherent charm or charisma. But just as there exists receiving too little affection, I know that it's possible to receive too much. To the point you feel isolated, suffocated, and ultimately burdened by all the expectations placed upon you. Boundless adoration leads to a pressure to act a certain way— the sort of way you believe everyone sees you.

If one were to embrace standing at the top, I wonder how painful it'd become. No doubt it'd be harder to understand others and genuinely be understood by them due to the severe positional discrepancy. In the face of venomous words, we're expected to be invincible. But everyone has moments of weakness with not a single human lying exception to this rule. We simply can't show it to those who rely on us to be strong, so we in turn have to rely on the people who have faith in us to protect us.

Not everyone can handle seeing their heroes crumble apart before their eyes. It thus becomes an obligation for them to remain a resolute, unwavering pillar capable of enduring any and all adversity. Not for our own sake, though instead for theirs. It’s a little absurd when you consider that nobody can really be that perfect. Life kinda sucks like that sometimes.

The ambition that drives me hasn't ever been to become an idol and stand out above everyone, but to instead inspire and help as many people as possible. The reason I work as hard as I do is solely so that I can reach everyone that my words might be able to aid. No matter how soft and lame I have to make myself look to do it, I'll continue taking pride in the path I've chosen for myself. I’m not an amazing hero. I’d rather just be a trusty friend, if anything.

So I’ll reiterate my weaknesses now: I’m absolutely terrified of horror games, I’m awful at explaining my thoughts aloud in detail and communicate much better in writing, I suck at opening up to others and relying on them, I’m extremely stubborn to a fault, I’m fairly easily flustered, and I can be very timid and shy. I’m willing to admit these things because I know it’s okay to.

In that same regard, streaming honestly isn’t something I’d normally do. So far removed from my comfort zone is it, in fact, that I never believed I’d be able to move an inch let alone a mile. It’s the encouragement you all graciously place upon me that gives me the courage to move. I’m not the least bit good at having people’s eyes on me as it makes me paralyzingly anxious. However, I’ll become great at it if that’s what it takes to move forward for you guys. From a crawl, to a walk, then eventually a full on sprint. It’s why I emphasize that I wouldn’t be able to lead without you all at my back. It’s more true than you know.

I want to be seen as human. I don't want to become invincible, because weakness is what allows us to better understand one another. It allows us to better understand for ourselves that it’s perfectly acceptable to be flawed and still be loved. I'll never put myself above any of you. As much as you support me with kindness and consideration, I'll support you back. I'll accept the risk of being vulnerable and getting hurt for it time and time again to be able to do more for you all.

I believe that's how an entertainer should be: self-sacrificing, removed from politics and drama (things that bitterly divide and harm people), and most importantly human. Everyone gives up something to pursue their dreams, but you don't need to give up your humanity. You don't need to force yourself to be someone you're not.

We lie to protect ourselves, and because sometimes we want that lie to someday become the truth. Even when it's scary though, you should remain true to yourself. Only then can you eliminate the doubt that people might not be able to love the real you. I’m a terrible liar, so I don’t know how to present myself to you all as anyone other than myself. We all long to simply be loved as we are in earnest.

Yet still we're judged for things outside of our control. There's pressure to perform at all times, as well as to meet a standard that isn't necessarily perfectly clear. In those low moments, you don’t know if there’ll be another up. You don’t know if you can continue maintaining the same standards forever. Beyond that, you don’t know if you can do even better. The thought of stagnating becomes unbearable.

I've received a lot of messages where people have said things like, "You probably won't see this, but…" or, "It might not mean much from a nobody like me…". Something like that seems silly to me, because we're all human at the end of the day. We all live, we all die, and all of our words deserve weight. So don't ever think that yours are meaningless to me.

It makes me smile when I see those messages. I know it takes courage to reach out to people you don't know— courage I can seldom muster up myself. Thank you for taking the time to look after me. I'll always reply when I can, but know that even if I don't I'm still grateful.

I remain active within my Discord server because I like taking the time to get to know everyone a little better. Not only that, but I like being present to witness the formation of new bonds. You’re free to join and reach out to me. Talk to me a bit. So long as I’m not in the middle of work, I’ll answer so long as you’re respectful. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you believe your value to be. I’ll be here for you.

I wish I could tell you all that I'm extremely strong and that I'll never let you down, yet I know that's entirely unrealistic. Instead, I'll reassure you that I'll try my very hardest to continue picking myself up until nothing can knock me down anymore. I need to set a good example for you all. I'm certain of it.

We have to confront our imperfections courageously and scrape away at them until we're gradually able to become our ideal selves. Identify your weaknesses while not neglecting to also acknowledge your strengths. If you're only strong mentally but not strong physically, start exercising. If you're good with people and poor academically, study. Things won't get better unless you genuinely make the effort to change. It's not enough to simply identify your shortcomings.

However, it can be hard to achieve the ideals we place upon ourselves as well. We set a standard of quality, struggle to reach it, and feel frustration time and time again. Yet it's a known fact that the most tenacious spirits are the ones to flourish. Don’t let anyone discredit your efforts. It’s never too late or early to start pursuing your dreams.

Remember as well that a path to your dreams always exists. It came be hopelessly exhausting and it comes much easier to some than others. However, you can't rely on something like luck to secure the future you desire. Grasp your ambitions. Be stubborn. Don't allow yourself to lie at the mercy of fate. Don't just say, "it can't be helped" or, "it is what it is", no— it is what you make it.

In my case, I decided to invest everything I can. Most of my monthly pay goes into VTubing along with the entirety of my donations. Far more than buying nice things for myself, I want to see you all happy. I'm functioning as a one man corpo as much as possible because I don't want to lose to those with more knowledge and resources than me. Being a manager is a lot tougher than I thought, yet it's simultaneously extremely rewarding. You can't expect success to fall into your hands if you're not taking things seriously.

Similarly, sacrifices will always have to be made for success. Time, privacy, mental wellness, money— all of these are things we give up to get to where we want to be. All things considered, I'm learning as I go. I sadly can't hope to be as polished as a corpo VTuber yet. A lot of my work is still rough around the edges. Atop that, I've only been streaming for about 10 months. I'm learning to rely on others more though and that's been helping a lot. Not just my team, but also my fans. Thank you all for looking after me and caring.

I'm a VTuber, my own manager, working on completing a bachelor's degree, weight lifting a few times every week, working a full time job, and looking after my friends and all of you. I'd like to apologize again if I ever let the stress get to me again. In my usual week, there’s not a single day that I’m not working, streaming, or both. I know you all count on me to be level-headed and uplifting, so I’ll try to become better about it. The standards I hold myself to are probably much higher than what you all have for me, though. I get super restless if I don’t have things to productively remain busy with for too long (to those always insisting that I take more breaks, sorry for always worrying you)!

But… empathy. I wish we could have more empathy for one another. So often do we as content creators end up scared. We want to quit, we fumble with our words since all of them can be turned against us as a double-edged sword, and our humanity isn't acknowledged any longer. All we can really do is struggle until things work out.

I myself struggle to reach out to other VTubers for things like collabs or even just plain old friendships. It's easy to fall into a loop of being skeptical of people's intentions, hesitating, then subsequently finding yourself alone in a corner. Yet at the end of the day it's simply a mental barrier, and one that I'm certain I can overcome with time. Some really cool people have reached out to me already and I'd like to return the favor. You'll never be able to get anywhere in life if you forever hesitate on taking the first step while deliberating the possible consequences. To hell with the fear of rejection.

Setbacks are a natural part of the journey. No matter the creator, or the individual, we all have our own battles to endure and scars we'll come to bear for it. The strongest individuals are those who are able to preserve in spite of the voice in their head telling them it's impossible. It's similar to going back to the gym after a long break or comparing your old growth in followers to your current growth. Just know that it's never hopeless. There's always something you can do to allow you to keep fighting.

Going forward, I want to do what it takes to be able to reach more people. I want to live to my fullest, as opposed to simply being alive. As with love, not all happiness is equal. The happiness I desire is a normal sort of happiness. The sort that people take for granted, really. I hope I can find peace within myself in time.

There are good days and bad days. Days I wake up and don't even feel like streaming, because of all the stress and pressure. It's generally a mixture of work, personal circumstances, sorting something out for Vtubing, or any other number of things. But I acknowledge too that I can't let my troubles get the best of me. If I make a schedule, I'll do my best to stick to it. I’m sorry that I’ve been a little bad about that lately with everything that’s been going on. Certainly I’m not proud of it.

I really, truly don't want any of the people who support me to feel as if they're alone in the world. You don't have to silently keep getting hurt, nor do you have to abandon your own happiness. I don't want any of you to give up on yourself. You won't be able to make those who care about you happy without truly being happy yourself. If you're not happy, they'll just end up being worried and sad.

As many of you are perhaps aware, I can barely recall a thing for more than a couple days at a time. I have amnesia which is very troublesome and constricts me on a daily basis. Perhaps it's because of this that I live in my own mental bubble. I'm often called pure for it, but I feel naïve. It’s a blessing as much as it is a curse. My thoughts are free. I, myself, am free. It comes at the price of having to forever roam. I can’t stop moving.

So come on an adventure with me, won’t you? I might forget the journey itself, but I’m certain I won’t ever forget you entirely. I want to leave you with memories that you can hold dear. Please do so, in my stead. We exist as an accumulation of experiences and, even if I can’t recall many of mine, I’m no exception. I’ll try my hardest to shine more comforting light into your lives. It's a promise I intend to carry with me to my grave.

My inspiration is self-contained and my hero is the me that I want to become, so that I don't lose focus. I want to be sharp and I don't want to imitate anyone. I hope I can forge a new path forward, as I consider VTubing to be a form of art, just as all content creation is. If we don’t try new ideas, we’ll never be able to move forward.

It can be scary to experiment. You don’t know how people will receive your ideas, and that very fear of failure ends up stifling creativity. There could be a lot of amazing thoughts swirling around in your head, and it could just be a matter of knowing how to seize hold of them and make them coherent.

As things stand, I'm always scrambling to try and find a way to best convey my thoughts. But I'll stand before you all as many times as it takes and unashamedly make a fool of myself until I'm certain they've reached everyone properly. I want to lend my wisdom from my experience and offer words to help people through those hard times. Laugh with me, cry with me— you won't be rejected. Please stay true to yourself, always. That's the most beautiful you.

I've been asked many times about personal details, such as my military branch and job. Please understand that revealing this would be an extreme breach of privacy. All that matters, in my opinion, is that I'm here now as the Umarmy's proud leader. I implore you all to be a tad more thoughtful about such things. I'm sorry it's something that I can't openly speak about. Especially since I'm not the least bit ashamed of what I do.

In that regard as well, I'm proud to serve the country and glad I chose to enlist. It's aided in giving me the opportunity to flourish in a stable environment and do my best to create enjoyable content. Beyond that, I truly am proud to be an American. I'm glad that I'm able to reach those beyond my country as well. We serve to protect the bodies inhabiting our country, I stream to protect the mind and soul. It’s a personal wish of mine that means everything to me, because I know what it’s like to not have anyone there when you need it most.

This doesn't mean I want everyone to enlist, however. I want people to pursue their own dreams to the fullest. I made the decision I did because I felt it was best for me, but that doesn’t mean it’s the best course of action for everyone. Beyond that, it isn’t intended to be the focus of my streams at all. My object is, and always has been, to be true to myself while lending an ear to those who need it. I’m open about my background not to persuade people to replicate it, but rather to better reach the military folk who need a morale boost as well. That’s really all there is to it.

People who want to believe I'm evil will scrape up every little possible excuse to try and pin such upon me. Because I’m a woman who serves the country, I’ve been called a whore, a manipulator, and many other vile things. I’m told as well that I should be able to shoulder any abuse, because I should be used to worse at work. I’ve also been told that the fact I'm openly affiliated with the military must mean I'm a psyop. As if it’s truly that black and white. Do you have any idea how many jobs there are in the military? It's one thing to be ignorant and another to mistreat people because of it.

I’ve never had my very existence be perceived as evil like this before recently. I don’t believe it’s fundamentally possible for that to be the case. To be called guilty merely for asking to be understood, makes no sense to me. It’s nothing to be condemned for. Perhaps it was never meant to be logically understood in the first place, though.

I do know that making generations is a sign of narrow-mindedness, because as humans we’re desperate to categorize everything for the sake of “understanding” it. It’s toxic, it’s abrasive, and it destroys innocent people. So quickly do people blame the victim by saying things like, “It’s their fault for showing weakness”, rather than admonishing themselves and accepting responsibility. It’s true, however, that we can’t necessarily change the hearts of others. All we can truly control is how we respond to people and whether or not we can steady ourselves in the face of troubling events.

But loving your country doesn't mean that you automatically love and represent all the corrupt, negative attributes of it. It's about seeing the beauty of it and being grateful for the freedoms that you have, rather than taking them for granted. It may not be perfect, though nothing in the world is. Despite its flaws it's still our home.

Never before did I think I'd be treated with consideration, respect, and kindness by people. Though I can’t go into it here, I suffered a lot of bullying and abuse growing up. I decided that I wanted to become better than those people, but it was still hard enduring it alone. Because of you all, I finally feel like I'm not alone anymore. None of the mistreatment I've suffered as a VTuber so far is worse than anything I've endured in the past— I know I can always bounce back from it. Always. I won’t let any of you go through the same suffering I have if I can help it, even if I have to take all of it on myself instead.

I hope one day I can put all the gratitude and love I have for you all into words. For the time being, I'll try to keep showing it through my actions. This will be my last letter for a good while. I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to, because of you all. So I'll keep giving my all through bad times and good.

Truth be told, I don't like being overly philosophical or serious. I'm just doing my best to understand everyone better so I can do more for them. It's an imperfect, selfish plan. Nobody in the world is perfectly selfless after all. Making others happy makes me happier than anything else. Let's keep finding the strength to fight together. I'll always have your six covered.

People will come and go, but I hope you remember me fondly even as you move on through life. You don't have to stick with me, no. I just wanna make the good times count, especially since there's a lot of fun things awaiting us. Birthday celebrations, subscriber milestones, streaming anniversaries, and many, many more things. Things that we can happily celebrate together as a family. Learn to rely on those around you more. The other horse soldiers.

You guys have helped me through rough patches already while supporting and protecting me. By having faith in me, even when I can't have faith in myself. I'll endure as many hardships as it takes to give you all a place in the Umarmy you can call home. I hope people will be good to one another, even if they can’t be good to me.

As silly as it is, it makes me really happy to see people say things like, "My horse oshi is incredible!". It's goofy. We can be whimsical together, which is awesome. Little by little, we can focus more on the goods in the world than the bad. I want to ease your burden, if only by a small fraction. Even bringing one extra positive passing thought to your day is a victory I’d celebrate on the battlefield of life.

Remember that expectations are frightening, but the scariest ones are the ones we put on ourselves. We tear ourselves down even as people around us try to help build us up. One insult can stick in your brain more than a thousand compliments. But you can't make everyone happy, so just focus on doing what you can. The people worth having in your life will accept you from there.

I can't begin to express how much fun I've been having with all this. Because of you all, I've been able to become a person I never thought I could be. You've helped give me the bravery to prosper and allowed my voice to have a strength capable of healing people.

The people I care about are those who are willing to look at me for me. I believe it’s my duty to protect people and serve with dignity and honor. No matter how thorny the path I tread is, I won’t lose heart. I won’t let go of my smile anymore. I don’t want to continue worrying the people who take the time to support me. Those who comment on my posts and in my chats, those who are active in my community those who take time out of their day in any capacity to express their support to me— I see you all. I hear you all. I’ll keep fighting for you, no matter how much suffering I have to endure. I can do it because of you. So thank you.

Thank you to everyone who went through the trouble of reading this, as well as the few who probably immediately scrolled to the bottom to make a comment about it being too long to read. You’re pretty cool too, if not a bit silly. So egregiously dorky.

I'll keep doing my best for you all. From now on, till forever more. They say a picture expresses a thousand words, so maybe just look at this illustration instead. I think it conveys how I’m feeling right now perfectly well. Just being able to continue doing what I can for those who need it is enough for me. I’m glad my dreams can manifest and bloom into something exceptional alongside you all: A bouquet of carrots. An all consuming love. Something profoundly beautiful and real.

🎨 by @/sshooooe
#ENVtuber || #Vtuber