If we talk in an hypothetical real life situation, most single men at certain age look for a one time stand relationship. When a woman gives signal of taking such relationships to have children and live together, the obvious response is being honest, follow the charade or run away like crazy.
Let's not go too far. If you just meet someone and she's talking about things far away than just meeting each other to take then the next step, you would find something fishy is going on.
Apparently, the Heisei era is what the Japanese call the era we all live in right now. It seems it will come to an end soon, since the Emperor or something is going to abdicate. The Heisei era began in 1989 and continues to this day. The Showa era is what preceded the Heisei era, so it seems they are all basically making fun of her for being old or something to that effect.
Apparently, the Heisei era is what the Japanese call the era we all live in right now. It seems it will come to an end soon, since the Emperor or something is going to abdicate.
If we talk in an hypothetical real life situation, most single men at certain age look for a one time stand relationship. When a woman gives signal of taking such relationships to have children and live together, the obvious response is being honest, follow the charade or run away like crazy.
Let's not go too far. If you just meet someone and she's talking about things far away than just meeting each other to take then the next step, you would find something fishy is going on.
7 months ago I was in love with a girl, I read your reply but didn't pay too much attention. But now I read this...damn I don't know what to say. I really wanted to marry her but she wasn't, what was worse, she slept with someone else for money while we're together.
7 months ago I was in love with a girl, I read your reply but didn't pay too much attention. But now I read this...damn I don't know what to say. I really wanted to marry her but she wasn't, what was worse, she slept with someone else for money while we're together.
7 months ago I was in love with a girl, I read your reply but didn't pay too much attention. But now I read this...damn I don't know what to say. I really wanted to marry her but she wasn't, what was worse, she slept with someone else for money while we're together.
Look at it this way, you found out before you ringed her and gave her a chance to break your bank account too. As disappointing as it is, I say you got lucky rather than find this out too late when you have kids and stuff. This is one reason why dating for a long time is so important. As much as we think we can read people at a glance, we never truly know anything about a person until we see them when they lower their guard. This can take a long time, but eventually you will see the person's true colors by pure probability, for better or worse. As harsh as this may sound, there is no such thing as one true love. Love is malleable and the truth is that you can find compatibility with a lot more people than we initially think. Get dumped, get disappointed, get embarrassed, but the key is to learn from your experiences.
For example, think about what caused a person like her to be attracted to you. Did you give her a lot of presents to impress her? (I would never tell a girl your capital assets, or even your job if it is known to be paying well. Just say what general industry you work in and leave it at that). Did you immediately agree to all of her requests without making her work for it? Where did you meet her? (I would not try to meet people at bars or nightclubs despite that it seems to be the popular approach nowadays.) Was she willing to have sex with you before you were engaged? (While you may not want a girl who is grumpy and 100% opposed to lewd stuff and doesn't know how to use her feminine charms to persuade you, you don't want a girl who is used to getting the whole meal quickly during the "honeymoon" and then moving on to the next course.)
One thing the government learned while doing super squirrel secret stuff is that we as individuals are not very good at looking at the people around us as critically as a third party is. Often, for any job that requires information security, you are required to submit a list of all your family, friends, former contacts, and especially people who recently came into your life for review along with your resume. Similarly, it's a good idea to always have a girl you are going steady with meet the family and get their opinion (I would not trust friends as they may not have the maturity to make a level and sincere decision, especially if they are jealous, or maybe don't want you to get upset with them if they think badly of her). Likewise, it is good to meet her family (or even friends). The kind of people an individual grew up around and who they choose to associate with can tell a lot about a person.
All I can say is that you were smart to wait it out before rushing a marriage and levelheaded enough to not go the "forgive and forget" route. No one can blame you, better men than us have gotten screwed in the past by cons and dishonest people. There is nothing we can do about that. It's life but it isn't the end of the world even though it may feel like it at the moment. There are plenty of good girls as there are bad ones. Sooner or later you will find the right one and forget all about the bad times.
A co-worker of my mother introduced her to my parents, then my parents told me to meet her. As I was told, her dad passed away when she was 3 years old, and her mother married another man but didn't take her. So she lived with her aunt and got raised up. At first my parents showed sympathy to her, they said if we married, they will treat her like their own child. I met her and found her extremely beautiful, and she behaved like a cultured lady, she knows a lot of things, really impressed me. She said she just wanted marry a honest man to live a peaceful life. I felt she is perfect so we started.
But soon I found out things were not so good. She seems to be open about sex, she refused to let me know her more, she said she works in a big company as a office clerk. But she never told me her company's name and address. She refused to let me know where she lived, but she didn't mind having a relationship with me, and she encouraged me to do that, but I refused, I said no hurry.
In the end I found out she has some shady jobs. She was studying canvas, constume designing, and kick-boxing at that moment, she even lives in a good apartment which rent was too expensive for average people. She bought a house, and furnitures on her own. At first I thought she has a great job, but soon I doubted she could, because she didn't enter university, just graduated from a nurse school. She wanted to "marry" me because she thought I'm honest and innocent (and my family's economy status is far batter then her), so she could continuing getting money from those people after she married.
I was really stupid to think she really loved me. But I didn't hate her, maybe she has her reasons. But I really don't want to meet her again.
By the way, thank you very much for your advices. Yes, I learned alot after this, still I feel hurt and sad about it.
I don't want to comment on the personal aspects of this conversation, but I would respond to this...
79248cm/s said:
One thing the government learned while doing super squirrel secret stuff is that we as individuals are not very good at looking at the people around us as critically as a third party is. Often, for any job that requires information security, you are required to submit a list of all your family, friends, former contacts, and especially people who recently came into your life for review along with your resume. Similarly, it's a good idea to always have a girl you are going steady with meet the family and get their opinion (I would not trust friends as they may not have the maturity to make a level and sincere decision, especially if they are jealous, or maybe don't want you to get upset with them if they think badly of her). Likewise, it is good to meet her family (or even friends). The kind of people an individual grew up around and who they choose to associate with can tell a lot about a person.
This is something known to more than just "the government".
In the book Sway, by Ori and Rom Brafman, in a chapter actually specifically about how in-person job interviews are actually counter-productive to finding the best employees, they discuss this problem.
People in relationships are actually generally very keen on picking up on the personality flaws of the people they are close to... and then immediately dismissing them as totally unimportant, because they're confident love will make it all work out. The technical terms for it are "Diagnostic Bias", or "Observer-Expectency Effect".
In particular, Diagnostic Bias means that, to use an example from the book, a basketball player will continue to be judged by what round he was picked in the draft long after there is plenty of actual, real-world data of their performance in professional basketball. Top-round picks are always announced as top-round picks long after their actual record has supported or belied that sort of value, while late-round picks are severely devalued no matter how well they perform.
There was a famous experiment done where teachers were told their student's locker numbers (assigned at random) were actually their IQs. The high-locker-number students then proceeded to do much better in class, and constantly earned the high praise of their teachers.
When it comes to dating (or job interviews), diagnostic bias enters on the first date, or even before the date, when hearing about the person for the first time. There is no other information about which to judge a person but their being talked up by others, or those first twenty minutes of meeting a person when they're on their best behavior, and we don't want to pry too much to seem to pushy.
After that, people hold onto their first impression long after later evidence, even evidence we are fully capable of acknowledging, should dispel those initial assumptions. People understand there are red flags, but don't want to pay attention because that means having to reassess our initial judgements.
I don't think you were stupid. Hindsight is 20/20 and no one can guard themselves from betrayal unless they never try to find love. Despite that, I think you handled the whole situation amazingly well. It seems like you paid attention to the signs and didn't let yourself be pushed over. From what you said, I think you showed maturity and restraint that unfortunately most people lack. Of course I realize nothing can fix the hurt, but if nothing else, I wish the best for you.
NWSiaCB said: ...
I learned about some of this from an abnormal psych class I took during highschool but I forgot the specifics :) The LEA selection process was just the only analogy I could think of at at time, but I am aware of the papers behind our procedures. I didn't know about that locker experiment though. I would think that being put down would actually help a person do better since they have nothing to lose and want to prove people wrong.
And yeah, there are often red flags that people ignore (or don't see because they don't date long enough), get married, and then complain about how their spouse "changed" when the reality is that everything is the same but the honeymoon phase waned off. I listen to Dr. Laura every so often and I am often amazed as how dense these people are and don't realize that shacking up and getting married in a month isn't the way to find a lifelong partner. They also tend to be really stubborn always complaining about their ex but never learning any lessons from a bad relationship. Normally I wouldn't care about someone's relationship problems, but it breaks my heart when I hear that kids are stuck in the crossfire. A lot of my old and current friends came from broken homes and easily could have gone down the wrong path if they weren't given something distracting to fight and work for.
You hit the nail on the head about reassessing your perspective being hard. For better or worse, I'm a pretty strict law and order kind of guy and there were situations where I had to turn in some of the best guys I liked to work with and hang around because I found out they were involved in some pretty serious stuff on the side. A big part of you wants to just pretend you didn't see anything, but that "greater good" and "duty" wins out in the end. Although I am certain if we compromise once, it would be a quick downhill slope.
I would think that being put down would actually help a person do better since they have nothing to lose and want to prove people wrong.
That would be the "Chameleon Effect" - people tend to become the sorts of people other people treat them as being.
In the case of classrooms, however, there is a more direct reason why this is the case: Teachers (and schools) exist for a reason, only a tiny fraction of students are going to learn of their own volition nearly as well as they would with someone guiding their education and putting structure in place to reinforce learning. This is especially true for younger students.
Students are going to have more or less trouble with completely different things, and are going to need different amounts of guidance at different times.
The teachers aren't fair, however. Teachers will spend more time with a "good student" who has trouble because they feel it's just a temporary problem, or that if even the smart students aren't learning, then maybe it's their teaching that is the problem. Meanwhile, if the "dumb student" has trouble, they're just not learning because they're stupid or aren't trying hard enough, and there's no point wasting time trying to help them.
In Outliers, Malcom Gladwell wrote a whole chapter on the myth of IQ and success, following a man who has one of the highest IQs in the United States, but who couldn't get through college because his teachers just saw him as trailer trash. Academic success correlates far more strongly to one's parents' wealth (and therefore, the impression they make upon teachers) than it does to the actual intelligence of the students. (In fact, beyond a certain point, higher intelligence actually makes people statistically less likely to be successful, at least by the measurement of lifetime income.)
Beyond that, there is a compounding effect of all these things: If you grow up thinking of yourself as a smart person and good student because people around you treat you as such, then your own image of yourself will be based in part upon this, and to reinforce your own self-esteem about yourself being a good student, you'll want to study to protect your image. By contrast, the kid that is told they're too stupid to ever make it through studying, but who can show up everyone at sports will grow up thinking their only talent and way to think well of themselves is to devote everything to sports.
There was a CSI once, where the victim was a supermodel who essentially wound up committing suicide by pulling out the "flaws" on her face until she bled to death. Sarah, who had spent the entire time freaking out about every part of the job of being a model, and how everyone was constantly being talked down to about their weight and diet and treated essentially as slaves, expressed her incomprehension of why anyone would ever have subjected themselves to such a masochistic lifestyle.
Grissom responded, "Well, when you were young, did anyone ever tell you that you were pretty?" "Yeah." "Did they ever tell you that you were smart." "Of course." "Then it probably never occurred to you that you might not succeed in life. What if they only ever told you that you were pretty?"
Beyond that, there is a compounding effect of all these things: If you grow up thinking of yourself as a smart person and good student because people around you treat you as such, then your own image of yourself will be based in part upon this, and to reinforce your own self-esteem about yourself being a good student, you'll want to study to protect your image.
I'm not stupid to vent my real life identity on Internet or expose childhood details to strangers, however I must say that certainly hits a little too close to home. There's a reason many "successful" people are found out isolated away from society or dumbed down to standard behaviors and it's because of this. You see it on fiction, you see it on lifestyle documentaries about prodigy children. The earlier your realize this the better your life improves. I was lucky I didn't find out when too old to change curse or unable of turning back.
With a relationship is not different, always pay attention to your surroundings and verify the signals. This is one of the few times I agree to 79248cm/s' view.
I... I came here to amuse myself with pictures of Ashigara being unsuccessful at finding love. Instead, what I get is serious relationship advice and heart-to-heart moments involving people I've never met before, reading their stories about love and how their hearts were broken by the ones they trusted.
All of a sudden, I'm really glad I found out about Danbooru. Hopefully, you all find genuine happiness in your life.
Wh-who's a fossil!!Anyway, is marriage such a great thing!?Longevity --- is ---That person from the Showa era is a living fossil, nanodesu.Even though the Heisei era will come to an end, you're not married yet?Even though she was born in the Heisei era, she's still called a granny poi. LOL.