Well, your translation needs some work; you should have tagged it with check_translation at the very least.
(And note that machine translations - even if 'edited' - are not allowed as per the site rules.)
Thanks for checking it, was it that bad? Your new translation doesn't seem that different.
BAMUfufu...♥kya!That nightHaving someone watching during the act only gets you more excited, doesn't it?S-Shoukaku...! Zuikaku is watching us...!Shoukaku-nee... Are you sure you're okay with me taking up all of the Commander's time like this...?Fuu♥kya!Hey, hey, Commander!
I think I want to try that store next time!It's okay! Don't worry and just enjoy yourself!Oh? That's a pretty cute general store, isn't it?I'll concede the "daytime" initiative to you.COMMwhisper
whisper"Daytime"...?Ah...!
Ah...But that's fine, no?Fu!♥