Spell check. I see "taht", "mose", and "you're life" in panel 2 alone.
Give text that's not on a white background a white 'halo' to make it easier to read. In GIMP, you can do this with Text to Selection, Grow Selection (by 2 or 3 pixels), then the Paint Bucket on a lower layer. (I think there is an even easier way to do this using Photoshop, but I don't recall what it is.)
Don't post translation edits on Danbooru. Not that they're not worthwhile; they just don't get accepted very often, especially when the original is already available and soft-translated using the note system.